Yep. It’s so unlikely that I won’t. Until then though, this is painful.
Let me shine some perspective onto what I’m saying. First up, we are living with my parents. We are trying so hard towards owning our own home. We are at that stage of the process where we feel like we are drowning.
I’m crying almost daily. It’s tough.
Unfortunately I still have to be “Mumma”. This is the hardest part. Being Mumma is not an easy feat, either physically, mentally or emotionally. I’m struggling seeing everyone’s before and after posts of their newly perfected bodies holding their darling little babies with their amazing tans and fashionable clothes.
I’m still wearing my maternity pants. My diet is whatever I can get into my mouth at the time. I don’t feel like myself. I’m the size 6, gym daily, great clothes person. I’m not this person anymore and it’s s***.
I sit here wondering how I can feel like myself again through all of this adversity. It’s such a strange feeling, to look in the mirror and see yourself, but to feel like you’re staring at a stranger. It’s tough to lose yourself in such a confusing way.
It’s the constant barrage of the “before and after” photos of women who have worked their asses off to get back into shape, the Instagram photos with the expensive prams and the expensive baby bags, it creates a dialogue that tells me “Hey Elicia, you should look like/have/be like this”. Well, guess what, I’m not like that right now so what does that make me?
It makes me confused and more weirder (is that a word?) with people than I’ve ever been before. I want to just enjoy my baby. He’s become this AMAZING little person and I absolutely can’t get enough of him but it’s when I’m without him that I notice that I’m different to what I used to be.
But I still want to be able to enjoy being me. And that’s the hard bit. I’m longing to enjoy something, anything, other than Teddy. Everything feels like I’m doing it in someone else’s shoes, and I’m just desperate to feel like myself again but feel too guilty to go out and find out who that person is again.
Yep, I’ll get there. I know it. Its time to change the focus and start working on some things I can improve.. and that’s me.
Oh to be as content as Teddy on a pillow under a tree on a warm day…